So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
