So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
