you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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