He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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