We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
