there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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