and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
