i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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