I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
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