Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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