so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
