We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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