Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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