Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
