he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
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Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
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Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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