I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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