There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize