dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
