so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
