do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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