I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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