Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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