I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
