I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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