The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
