Your face is a jimmy john
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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