and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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