That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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