upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
