I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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