youre lurking in front of me
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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