got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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