I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
