I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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