Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
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constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
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Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.