He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
