Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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