She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
