Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
