Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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