My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
