I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
