well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
