Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
