So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
