i permit you to call me
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
