I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
