Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
