about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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