Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
