Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize