i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
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