You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
