did you get engaged???
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
