I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The Olympian is in my bed
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
