Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
