I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
