There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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