She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
